The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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