How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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