I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
