I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
