im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
You've changed since you got that strap on
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
