a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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