the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
