Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
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