Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
