i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Randomize
