he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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