got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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