Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize