I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
