my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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