sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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