I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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