Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
