somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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