the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
