3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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