so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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