One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
