I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
