I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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