I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
