YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
