In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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