It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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