that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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