Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
