I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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