Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
