Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
accomplished twins. life is a go
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
