It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
