Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
