My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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