happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Can you bring me the toilet please
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
