gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
my liver is dry heaving
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
