You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
