I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
