All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
