I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Buhtt sex?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I know her cup size but not her name....
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