Cold hands, warm shart.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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