Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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