Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
