I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
