I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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