Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Randomize
