The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
