im six kinds of drunk right now
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
