a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
