I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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