this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
