I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
