Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
