Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize