I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
