Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
