Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
