I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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