i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
